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Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
12:56 pm
I know that an apology isnt going to be enough. I dont think there is anything that i can do to make things right. If i could, i would travel back in time and change it. Then none of this would have happened. But i can't. I dont think it is going to matter to you that i am very sincerely sorry for what happened. And i understand. If i were in your shoes, i dont know, i cant even imagine what i would feel or say. I know I would be angry.

(I wonder what it is that makes me go against my better judgement. I wonder what it is inside of me that is addicted to these self-destructive behaviors. I hate causing other people pain, although on the surface you certainly wouldnt think that about me. I know that i look selfish, i know that i seem the slut, i know that it looks like i dont care about anybody else but myself. But it isnt true, or so i would like to think. If it isnt true then why did i do it? Knowing it would cause pain, knowing that it was selfish. Some karmic lesson to be learned? Some common sense to be gained? More self-loathing slathered on. Self-pity. Its disgusting. I'm disgusting and i am just getting what i deserve.)

Just tell me if there is anything i can do to make up for it, although i know that i cant totally make up for it, maybe there is something i can do to ease the pain? If you want me to leave you alone forever and ever, leave the both of you alone, i can do that. If there is nothing i can do, i understand...if there is no forgiveness in you for me, i understand. Just know that i am very honestly sorry.

current mood: sad

(10 flavors | taste me)

Sunday, April 24th, 2005
11:33 pm - Reflections on current events??
So, everyone is human. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone's judgement gets clouded by emotion, its part of the beauty that makes us human. We should all allow for a little imperfection...its what makes life interesting. We are all hypocrites at some point or another, we all lie at some point or another, we all stray sometimes, we all feel superior sometimes...there should be a little more understanding in the world. Communication SHOULD NOT CONSIST OF OR BE CLASSIFIED AS LJ ENTRIES. yes, i know i am being a hypocrite. dont you love me. long time. hahahahaha.

"can't we all just get along"
-Rodney King (as he was being beaten by racist police officers)

current mood: Stabby

(8 flavors | taste me)

Thursday, March 17th, 2005
12:08 pm
mm. yes. day off. shitty shitty fuck fuck. I got to see a tornado form. that was fun....zoomed me right back to when i was 12 and got caught in one on my way to the bus stop. I love florida. haha.

current mood: aggravated

(1 flavor | taste me)

Friday, March 11th, 2005
6:09 pm
by the way, that day i assumed (which im hitting myself for now) that you had been invited and said no, had i realized (which i did later, too late, obviously) i would have said something, i would have invited you.

Working alot. Mike has a new job, with Stephanie. I think he likes it better than the 4 am Lowe's experience. heh. I sure do.

Florida is nice. I didnt think i would ever say that.

current mood: hungry

(2 flavors | taste me)

Sunday, January 16th, 2005
3:05 pm - Cutty Shark?
okay so im kinda buzzin. cutty shark. something like that. Mandy's (my sister) neighbor came out while i was smokin a cigarette with mike and offered us shots. so i took like 7. thats ok tho. i feel bad tho. like i've done something wrong. oh well. fuck that. im allowed to get buzzed. it looks like we'll get the apartment at Park Trace. thats good. im tired of staying at other people's houses. I mean, Im glad that im at mandy's cuz i havent really like, bonded with her or anything, but it'll be good to have our own place. by the way, me and mike are in Florida now, in case you havent guessed. we just got back from mandy's neighbors....yeah. its alotta work to try to type. lotsa typing errors that i have to fix. I told mike that i loved him and he was all like, "you're not just saying that cuz your buzzed right?" like, what, i cant love you when im buzzin? ok. whatever. he took shots too, so its ok. whatever whatever. I should go to my grandmother's soon. when the drunkeness wears off. hahahhahahahhaahhaahhaahahhahahahhahaahahaaahhahahahaha. ok. im gonna go now. thank god i dont have to work today. hagaggagagagagajajajajahgagahhahahahahahahah. oh god.

current mood: drunk

(3 flavors | taste me)

Thursday, November 25th, 2004
8:57 pm
goddamnit susan get off the fucking phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(1 flavor | taste me)

8:15 pm - 4 glasses of wine, 2 shots of whiskey, 1 whiskey and gingerale, 4 beers...im not drunk
hahahhahahahahaha im drunk. well, not DRUNK, but buzzin pretty fuckin good. "thought he lost everything, then he lost a whole lot more..."
okay, no more cigarettes in my moms room. stinkin it up. i love nin. and stp. and 27 project. "ive done all i can do, could i please come with you? sweet smell of sunshine, i remember sometimes" hmm, sometimes, like right now, i wonder if i am scaring him off. i dont think so, but im paranoid. chug chug chug-a-lugga anotha beer. haha. he knows just what to say, when i think i am being annoying and i say i need to shut up he says i should never shut up cuz if i did he'd shut down. man i love him waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much. i didnt want this, i didnt want to be so in love again.. not that i was ever this in love before, its just that i didnt plan on this and it makes things complicated and i hate complications....but thats like calling mike a complication and he could never ever be a complication. never. he only brings joy and light and happiness and love 2 my life. the distance is the complication. god drunkenness is getting 2 me. must......stop......drinking......or not.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahaahhaahahhahahaahahahahhahahaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

phew, ok.

i love you mike.
and you love me.
and we're 400 miles away from eachother.
but only till february.
i love you.

hiccup.

current mood: drunk

(taste me)

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004
7:56 pm - declarations of love
So it's this crazy neverending ride of love and love and love and making me feel like i'm worth something and loving me back so wholeheartedly and its an honor to be with me to make love to me to hold me that just overflows me with emotion like whitewater rapids crashing down the waterfalls and nearly drowning making me cry cuz no one ever said anything like that to me much less actually felt it and she pisses me off acting like she was my friend and saying shit behind my back but whatever she's just another newportapotty hoe so why does it even matter especially now that shes outta my life except that she treated him like shit and hurt him and made him cry so that makes me want to be usin a 27 inch steel pole to smash her face thru the backa her skull stupid fucking cunt never being real never saying what she meant maybe i wont pay her back since shes got my shit and walked all over the one and only love i have ever had i realize now that those people i thought i loved were and are nothing to me they never have and never will be its like i never knew them all i ever knew was you my cazkit my love my doctor my bestfriend your the only one i ever need or want in my life right there next to me always forever in this life and into the next so maybe im obsessed it doesnt matter i love you and sometimes its scary cuz that part of me the demon inside of me jacki says it'll never last it'll never work it'll fade away on his part and you'll be left a shell of a human being so crush it now dont let it grow stop it stop it louder and louder and i know i could do it now before its too late especially when you arent there but i cant make myself if only you could see what is so deep inside of me it would be okay we wouldn’t be lonely the whole world could die and I wouldn’t cry would never shed a tear as long as you were close to me as long as you were near nothing could ever touch me hurt me you wouldnt let it cuz im safe with you and i realize now that i have never felt safe it might be unhealthy to feel like this but i dont care. it cant be cuz you make me whole and if its unhealthy to be whole then i dont want to be healthy

I love you Mike Appleby. And i dont care who knows. I'm not ashamed of it. I'll tell erica myself and if she fucks with my shit i dont care material things mean nothing to me next to you.

I've always wanted other people, always wanted more than just the one i was with to the point that i made myself into a whore i cheated and lied and fucked but with you it isnt like that, im not a whore anymore, im yours only and you're mine only and that will never change.

current mood: indescribable

(1 flavor | taste me)

Sunday, November 14th, 2004
10:27 am
ah yes. Free. no more not anymore.
poor danielle.
can't wait to get back to vermont for a little while.
gonna see the doctor. and the other doctor. although hopefully the drugstore will have what i need and i wont have to see THAT doctor. I'm sick of doctors and shit. not gonna see 'em unless i'm deathly ill. deathly. I lost weight again. dont know how...not complaining, just wishing i knew the why's and such. Its funny how when I look in the mirror i dont look any different than when i weighed 150-something pounds. now that i weigh 120 you would think that I would see a difference. but no. I know i look different though b/c other people tell me i do. So its just my own head saying i still look fat. but i know i dont so i dont worry about the mirror.
called off work today. pain in my side is too much. TOO. so im gonna sit around and draw and read a write. thank you cazkit.
my muse.

oooh ouch. ugh. gonna go put some heat on my side or something.

current mood: artistic

(taste me)

Monday, November 1st, 2004
11:13 am - in need a life.
my god you're supple!!


hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

(3 flavors | taste me)

10:57 am - wakawakawaka
woke up with a headache, but its gone now, so all is good.

So I think I have arthritis. It isn't impossible you know. My mother has had arthritis since she was 9. No joke. My knees are in so much pain. owwww.

Gonna go try to get a job today. Michael's. Barnes and Noble. Gonna go register to get my GED too. After lunch.

I have to pee.

urination imanation. hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!





(need drugs....)

current mood: dorky

(taste me)

Sunday, October 31st, 2004
6:35 pm - Red red wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine...

What The Hell Happened Last Night?
LJ Username
What did you drink?
You wake up in the morning next to: emperor_elric
...who is wearing: a Tron costume
...and rolls over to you to say: My God, you're supple!
...and then: tweaks your nipples
This Quiz by joneccleston - Taken 122373 Times.
</a>
New - Kwiz.Biz Astrology




heh, I wish.

So my sister's dad is trying to set me up with this 35-year-old guy.
how about....
NO!

But for the sake of not being lonely, I'm almost thinking about it.

But no.

Nope.


current mood: annoyed

(taste me)

2:17 pm - Read Jean Markale's Women of the Celts, then see the movie Birth.
Ah how the movie Birth is so like celtic myth.
But always with the return to patriarichal society.
Nicole Kidman is a wonderful actor.

(taste me)

Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
9:01 am - Maybe I'll start updating again.
So it's been a while, but I am not going to explain what I have been doing for the past...however long. I'm just gonna jump right in and start with today.

So Karl had community service this morning...he got up around 6:30...which means I did too. Well, I didn't get up, but I woke up and didn't really get to sleep again. I was at that awake to asleep crossroad around 8:30 and I hear, "Mary, Mary..." Chuck is in my bedroom door, goddamnit, he needs a ride to work. He'll buy me coffee and a donut. Ok, ok, I can do that because I have this annoying inability to say no to certain people. I'll drive you to Coventry, I can do that. Get out of bed, pull a sweater on, go downstairs-yes, Tati and Adam are on the couch/mattress once again, doesn't matter we've kicked them out already-and we leave. Drive him to work, Erica comes with, stop at the store first, I tell him no sugar in my coffee, sit and wait, gets back to the car and hands me my coffee, I take a sip. Sugar. Damnit. Okay, it's okay. Drive him to work, eat half an exceedingly sweet, overly glazed donut. Throw the rest out. Continue to drink coffee, bum a cigarette off Erica. Get home, Erica goes back to bed, Tati and Adam still asleep, get changed, gonna go to Shaw's, Nick and Johnny show up. Sit down at the table, but not before he wakes his sister and Adam up. Start talking about nothing particularly interesting or important and somehow Johnny starts talking about how he's mostly racist, but "black people are okay." What? You aren't serious are you? You are. So I get ready to set him straight but Nick gets to it first. So I mostly sit and listen and agree, throwing my two cents in here and there, now Tati and Adam are now up and at the table with us, now Erica, too. Tati is being annoying, trying to over-talk her brothers, blah blah blah. Pass around a bowl, take a hit, sit and think on how it's a shame that Tati and Nick have to be related. Time to go to the library.

You know, Tati's really got no reason to hate me. She knows that too, she's just too much of a cunt to admit it. Why is it that no matter where I live there is always someone there to antagonize me, in my own home! Tati's got too much pride and you know it's gonna be the death of her. It's too bad really. I think, you know, other than this pride issue, she's a really good person and has a lot to offer the world, her friends, her family, but watch out cuz she'll turn on you in a heartbeat. Literally, a heartbeat, that's how it happened. One minute she's telling me how much she loves me, etc., the next she's psycho-bitch trying to fucking scratch my eyes out. It's ridiculous. Seriously.

Nick, he on the other hand (Johnny is their little brother. He's 17) is king shit. Or at least thinks he is, but it's perpetuated by everyone's respect for him. I mean, it's more than respect, it's a willingness to step down for him, but it's more than that and I can't really put my finger on it. I mean, in the heirarchy of Newport's underbelly Nick is damn close to top notch. Deserved or not, I don't know. It's odd how people change when he comes in a room. For the most part whenever he walks into a room full of people everyone defers to him, everyone wants him to listen to them or vice versa, everyone wants his approval and praise. These are people who would never admit it of course, they might not even do it knowingly, but it definately happens, I see it almost every day. The other day I witnessed someone actually topping him though. Miguel is out of jail and in town again, and we had this party at our house a couple of nights ago, which he attended, and he actually stood maybe a hair over Nick. It's really only because the whole Dean, Walter, him, Massachusettes, robbing the old guy, hitting him with a gun thing was so big here. And Deano and Walter are still in jail in Mass. I bet in a couple of months, no, even less, say...six weeks, Nick will be back on top.
He's another one of those people I can't say no to. I'm just like everyone else when it comes to Nick I suppose. He just has that...presence, you know?

I have to pee.

Yeah. Still gotta go to Shaw's.

current mood: amused

(16 flavors | taste me)

Saturday, March 6th, 2004
1:44 pm
I smell good.
Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:Beauty
In a survival situation, you:Fight, and enjoy it
Your hidden talent is:Seeing the best in others
Your gift is:A loving heart
In groups, you:Play an organisational role
Your best quality is:Your kindness
Your weakness is:Your overbearing nature
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!



blah.

current mood: bitchy

(3 flavors | taste me)

Sunday, September 14th, 2003
9:44 pm - evanescence lyrics.
"Going Under"

now i will tell you what i've done for you
50 thousand tears i've cried
screaming deceiving and bleeding for you
and you still won't hear me
don't want your hand this time i'll save myself
maybe i'll wake up for once
not tormented daily defeated by you
just when i thought i'd reached the bottom
i'm dying again

i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through
i'm going under

blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
so i don't know what's real and what's not
always confusing the thoughts in my head
so i can't trust myself anymore
i'm dying again

i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through

so go on and scream
scream at me i'm so far away
i won't be broken again
i've got to breathe i can't keep going under

current mood: awake

(5 flavors | taste me)

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003
7:00 am
stuff going on
but i don't really feel like talking about it
it gets too hard and i relive unplesant emotions when i talk about it

current mood: anxious

(4 flavors | taste me)

Tuesday, August 26th, 2003
7:20 am
work today school tomorrow

(taste me)

Sunday, August 24th, 2003
6:51 am - *sneeze*
blah blah blah.

My cat Apollo fell out my window the night before last. He is nowhere to be seen. That is very sad.

I couldn't work yesterday because my back hurt.
I work today though, and tuesday--the day before school starts.

I think I have to leave for work soon. I work at 8. In St. J. I got up at 6:30. bah!


I miss Jim.

current mood: tired

(1 flavor | taste me)

Monday, August 18th, 2003
8:47 am - wow, this is crazy...
<td bgcolor="#000000">Your Name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Band Name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Tool </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Role</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Drummer </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Trademark</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Hair Colour Changes Constantly </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Love Interest</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Girl Who Works At Starbucks </td></tr>
Which Band Should You Be In? by couplandesque
Created with quill18</a>'s MemeGen!


current mood: satisfied

(taste me)

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